pregnant. I wasn't taking it well--still can't imagine how we could
have a child together, considering the career we need to upkeep to
support the children who we must consider first, considering those
kids themselves, considering how I do love my career and am proud of
my business, considering Ted's age and our enjoying the freedom that
will come once the boys are in college....... I've put a lot of
thought into this in 2009. When I sold my engagement ring, it
symbolized not only my putting away what empty and isolating life I was
married into but in a small way it represented saying goodbye to a
life I had set out to start. I had thought I'd marry and have children
of my own. Saying goodbye to an idea, regardless of what distraught
reality it was, was hard for me. Don't get me wrong, I've truly grown
to love those three boys in my life. They are special and full of
love. We make a truly full family and they have taught me more than
they'd ever know about how to love and trust and open my heart. For
now, my yearning for another child is distant. Julien is young and
terribly close to me. We are financially strapped because of the
constitutes of divorce and a young child in private day school. We
just started a company two years ago that despite the current economy,
is surviving. All things said though, it panged me yesterday to read
of others' "traditional" happiness---getting married, having kids.
Then. Then I had a dream last night full of the same immense anxiety,
fear, and avoidance I lived in for nearly 7 years of my life. I was in
the house with him again, without power, without my voice, without the
ability to see that it wasn't my fault nor could I ever make it right.
I was, in the dream as in life, avoiding telling him to get out of my
life because it wasn't a "good time" for him. Then I woke up and heard
the steady breath of Ted next to me. Someone who loves me
unconditionally and completely without expectations......And then I
realized that I shouldn't over think this and am grateful for what
true love has given me, given us, and given those little guys who see
me as a parent. Everything will fall into place as it should.
4 comments:
oh honey. You are such a strong, strong woman. Y'all have a good life together and so much love.
I'm not sure anyone's life looks how they imagined or wanted it to- even the picture-perfect lives hold a world of disappointment, sorrow, and private anguish.
xo
I love you so, so much. You are such an amazing person and I am grateful to be your friend. Everything you've survived and pushed through has just made so much stronger and I admire you for that. You are such a great mom to the boys and I hope if ever get the chance to parent I'm half as good as you & Ted are.
I think you had a nightmare, Lynsey. Sometimes, waking up from a bad one does make you realize how great things are now. But, things are never perfect and seldom how we dream they will be. It seems that children drain a parent's finances no matter how many you have or how few. And in those childhood years, it always seems impossible to save money. But, that's okay. Jonathan says his best memories are around the kitchen table....eating or rolling out clay or doing something messier. You are so organized with those boys and the best bonus mom ever! Your creativity with them is amazing. If you decide to have a child together, you and Ted will figure it out. (including sending them all to college) Love you!!
I love you with all my heart. I know deep down your heart will lead you. You are amazing and I have seen you grow from my baby girl to a teenager, young adult and now a precious young lady that is now in the arms of a very loving and caring man that will always love and cherish you...just as your Dad and I have adored you for nearly 30 years. Take one day at a time and remember my telling you to "Just think how far you both have come together." I know 4 guys that are very lucky to have you in their lives. Dad and I are also lucky to call you our daughter. You are very good and loving toward us and I thank you. You have been blessed with a very loving and caring heart. I love you. Mom
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