half a life ago

15 years ago a friend of mine ended her life at my house. I'm still not sure of the details and feel immensely sorry for her at-the-time boyfriend, who was present and perhaps involved. It could have been an accident, it could have been on purpose. I'll never know. I do know that it has taken me this half a life to find myself on the other side of it all. During those 15 years I went from a shell-shocked teenager, to an often depressed college student, through losing another friend--someone who honestly I love to this day for what he gave me, to marrying someone because I thought they loved me, to divorcing him because he truly just loved himself, to finding--even with off timing--the love of my life, and to surrounding myself with the greatest friends I've ever had. I still remember those glazed over days and afraid nights I spent in the last three years of high school. I still don't like spending the night at my parent's house--nor does my brother--because something is still sad there.

Without this loss, perhaps I would have had more confidence or spent my high school years differently or made different choices or....or....or

Because of this loss, I am here. I think of April less these days but she still has a part of me that knows life is fragile. I held her hand in the last moments of her too-short life. It's made me who I am now, half a life since.

nothing in our way

Right now is a time of many questions from the boys as they are feeling stuck between hearing two sides of one story. Divorce is not something I've been through as a child but it is something I've been through as an adult. I hated it. I didn't have kids so I hope honestly never to cross paths with my ex again. I sure hope he's changed but life with him was miserable at best. Sure, I know he has his side of the story but after years of hearing what was wrong with me (from him), I finally realized what was right with me and took a huge step forward. Many people feel like people like me, who had an affair at the end of their marriage, are bad people who must "lie in the beds they made." My affair, both from mine and Ted's perspective, changed our lives for the better. We had no purpose, aside from Ted having his children. Our lives together feel like family, hope, honesty, and happiness. Honestly I love those boys for all their courage and strength that neither of their parents nor I gave them. They gave it to themselves by surviving heartache at a young age. They aren't, however, victims of divorce. They lead happy lives that include a mom, a dad, and me. It's disappointing and sad that they aren't always allowed to just live without this shadow of divorce but it keeps creeping in. They are learning to ride the waves of emotion though.

One thing I've learned about being a step-parent is that children are not the sums of their parents. I don't think of my mom and dad when I define myself! So why should I think of theirs' when I think of these boys? Everyone deserves to grow up without being told who not to trust, especially when it's a loving relationship. I know however in the end everyone knows exactly what their parents are like once they grow up. I hope to keep true to myself and Ted and the boys so that they know I always supported them, just like a true parent should.

school's out for summer!

Tomorrow is the last day of school for the boys! Hard to believe that they've not only finished the year but finished the second year with us living in this house as a family. Alex recently turned 7 and Ted and I planned his party while their mom had finals. The party was at her house so after Ted left with all the party stuff, I went to lunch with my girlfriends. It was a spy academy training party, complete with a laser crawl through and scavenger hunt to the ice cream sundaes at the end. Alex was so proud. :)

Tomorrow Ted and I head to Portland for him to record and then we'll have some days to ourselves too. We're staying with the ever generous Rachel. I look forward to seeing friends and having some long walks around town. I just found out my old trouble-maker-cohort Megan is visiting our friend Jill in Portland so we're already planning to go do something together!

The kids have a busy summer planned, with vacations with us AND with their mom. They are excited to be out of school. I slipped a little surprise in their lunchboxes for their last day--Garbage Pail Kid cards. :)

p90x

Ted and my birthdays are about a month apart. I turned 30 on April 9. He turns 43 on May 11. We have been working really hard since last summer to get in better shape and then get derailed by work travel, etc. I felt like I was in really good endurance shape from swimming but wasn't seeing results and just getting more and more frustrated. That's when I decided to give Ted and me P90x for our birthdays. It's a commitment, trust me. But honestly it's easy to stay focused because of the sheer energy we're feeling from it. We're on day 10 of 90 and both have already lost several inches across our bodies. It's the hardest workout I've ever done for SURE but I can tell its working. I have had insomnia for over a year and have slept through the night every single night since we've started. We're following the diet and it's also giving us great results with energy and stamina. I really love it!

Today we did the yoga video and even though both of us have made some serious progress in a little over a week, it still kicked our butts for the full 90 minutes.

Since my failed marriage to someone who criticized my body (among everything else about me) at every turn, I had gained weight I had once lost for my wedding. Even with the weight gain though, I HAD become someone who really loved working out. Ten to fifteen years ago I wouldn't recognize the person I am who loves to work out. I now really want to add to that with the routine we're doing and want us to become really in the best shape of our lives.

a break, two holidays, and being home

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Julien's spring break was this past week and the weather was just perfect for it. Tuesday we took a picnic to the botantic gardens and wednesday we went to the zoo. Spending time with him just as parents without the other two boys is so sweet and different. He had a great time.

Thursday night was April Fools and I tricked all three boys with jello in their drink cups and mashed potato meatloaf cupcakes for dinner! Alex and Lennox took the joke a lot easier than Julien, who was just confused by the whole thing and ended up with a sandwich.

The boys all had Good Friday off and spent the whole weekend with us. We dyed eggs, washed cars, sprayed each other with water on the first hot day of the year, and generally wore each other out. Saturday evening we ate outside for our Easter dinner. Ted and I took them to the international market to pick up supplies for the meal. We roasted a pork shoulder Cuban style, had black beans and rice, tostones, and avocado salad. Everyone toasted a great day, a great holiday, and a great meal.

choose happiness

I just saw this photo for sell on the main page for etsy. When Ted and I decided that our lives not together were no longer what was right but that WE were right, that WE fit, we chose happiness. I think that people who haven't divorced or been through a loss of love can truly appreciate what real love is in the same way that Ted and I have been able to. Today I came home from Miami where Ted is now doing a trial by himself. This is the first time in 3 years that we have been apart for more than a day or so. I miss him already because every single day, I choose to love him.

So choose happiness. Everyday. I know my mom does it since their health scares when she broke her neck and my dad had his defibrillator put in. I wish more people could see their partner with the same constant happiness I see in Ted. Sure--we argue and we have hard times but we always always come back to this happiness. Thanks Ted for making me happy. Thank you also for choosing to be happy with me.

Little Things

Yesterday brought the number to three more people I know who are
pregnant. I wasn't taking it well--still can't imagine how we could
have a child together, considering the career we need to upkeep to
support the children who we must consider first, considering those
kids themselves, considering how I do love my career and am proud of
my business, considering Ted's age and our enjoying the freedom that
will come once the boys are in college....... I've put a lot of
thought into this in 2009. When I sold my engagement ring, it
symbolized not only my putting away what empty and isolating life I was
married into but in a small way it represented saying goodbye to a
life I had set out to start. I had thought I'd marry and have children
of my own. Saying goodbye to an idea, regardless of what distraught
reality it was, was hard for me. Don't get me wrong, I've truly grown
to love those three boys in my life. They are special and full of
love. We make a truly full family and they have taught me more than
they'd ever know about how to love and trust and open my heart. For
now, my yearning for another child is distant. Julien is young and
terribly close to me. We are financially strapped because of the
constitutes of divorce and a young child in private day school. We
just started a company two years ago that despite the current economy,
is surviving. All things said though, it panged me yesterday to read
of others' "traditional" happiness---getting married, having kids.

Then. Then I had a dream last night full of the same immense anxiety,
fear, and avoidance I lived in for nearly 7 years of my life. I was in
the house with him again, without power, without my voice, without the
ability to see that it wasn't my fault nor could I ever make it right.
I was, in the dream as in life, avoiding telling him to get out of my
life because it wasn't a "good time" for him. Then I woke up and heard
the steady breath of Ted next to me. Someone who loves me
unconditionally and completely without expectations......And then I
realized that I shouldn't over think this and am grateful for what
true love has given me, given us, and given those little guys who see
me as a parent. Everything will fall into place as it should.