half a life ago

15 years ago a friend of mine ended her life at my house. I'm still not sure of the details and feel immensely sorry for her at-the-time boyfriend, who was present and perhaps involved. It could have been an accident, it could have been on purpose. I'll never know. I do know that it has taken me this half a life to find myself on the other side of it all. During those 15 years I went from a shell-shocked teenager, to an often depressed college student, through losing another friend--someone who honestly I love to this day for what he gave me, to marrying someone because I thought they loved me, to divorcing him because he truly just loved himself, to finding--even with off timing--the love of my life, and to surrounding myself with the greatest friends I've ever had. I still remember those glazed over days and afraid nights I spent in the last three years of high school. I still don't like spending the night at my parent's house--nor does my brother--because something is still sad there.

Without this loss, perhaps I would have had more confidence or spent my high school years differently or made different choices or....or....or

Because of this loss, I am here. I think of April less these days but she still has a part of me that knows life is fragile. I held her hand in the last moments of her too-short life. It's made me who I am now, half a life since.